It’s been a long time since I’ve shared the work the Lord is doing or has done in me. But, right now is such a sweet time that I have to share the goodness with others. This year has been the hardest I’ve had. I have been hurt very badly by two people that I loved, trusted, and invested a lot of myself into. Because of this, I have somehow lost who I was in the mix. Since I really came to know the Lord, joy has typically abounded from me. I could take each situation and see God’s hand and be thankful. But this is different. It’s really hard to praise Him when it seems as though He has instigated great amounts of pain. Confusion, rampant emotions, and an overwhelming sense of injustice has been the prevailing state. When something or someone that you love desperately is taken from you it doesn’t make sense...especially when you thought the sentiment was mutual from the other. The moment the person you care for carelessly handles your heart is the moment the obscure torture kicks in. A wound to the heart is deeper than any physical wound could ever be, and therefore takes a great deal longer to heal. So, for the last 11 months I have hurt and wallowed in that hurt unashamedly. I let my view of God become that of a disciplinarian or some distant and powerful source who sits back and lets His children suffer unjustly. What did I do to warrant this sort of pain? Did I really drop the ball that much that You had to go to these extremes to get my life where it should be??? Where did I go wrong? For the past month or so I’ve been able to see again. See what the Father is doing. The pain still hasn’t washed away, but I can see purpose and truth because of the light He’s shining down on my life. My pain isn’t a punishment for my sin. If that were the case I would constantly be in agonizing, rehabilitating pain. I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed if that is how my Lord worked. The pain inside is a actually a means to bring me closer to Him, to get me to TRUST Him. Just last night I was reading through some Scripture that a friend of mine gave to me with my Christmas present and I finally realized the same God I had been crying out to for nearly a year now with no answer or sense of presence had actually been with me the whole time. That’s just who He is. "You hem me in–behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me...Where can I go from you Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." -Ps. 139:5-10 After reading this I played back through every painful moment that had happened in the last year and felt His hand on me. When I was so blinded by what was going on, I missed out on His presence. But, God heard my cry in those times...He was there holding my hand and catching ever tear that streaked down my face. The realization that I had not been neglected or abandoned was great. In fact, it birthed light onto all the lies Satan was feeding me that I was willingly buying into. "You didn’t work hard enough, you have lost your integrity, you aren’t pretty enough or smart enough, you are crazy, you are annoying, you are despised, unwanted, and unloved." That’s all I could hear and it has absolutely torn me up. But my Sweet Father came back with comforting words of His heart for me... "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." -Ps. 139:13-16a And in reading this I also saw His heart for those who hurt me. While I still love them very much, out of hurt I built up the thought that because they treated me so terribly, God could not be in them nor could He love them. That wall has been taken down...He loves His creation...every single one of His own He adores and, in fact, is very much in control of them as well. I can see them as sheep, just like I am, going through life messing up but being held by their Perfect Creator. The thing is...I am learning what it means to trust an unseen God...The One True God. Though none of this was ever a desire of my heart or something I ever thought would come to pass, I can say for the moment, I am thankful. I am thankful that God is here, that’s He has been with me every step of this road that I hated walking down. I am thankful that light is being shed and that He will used this to glorify Himself. I pray that because of this, I am more like the Father and that it will be used to bring others to the knowledge of Him. Trust means surrender, surrendering your will up so that His will can take place. I didn’t want to let go of these people...it wasn’t my choice...but I was asked to, and I finally am. I am trusting He is molding their lives as He is mine. It is a great comfort to know that each individual moment of your life was planned out before you took your first breath...and that God looked at it and it was GOOD. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand. When I awake, I am still with you." -Ps. 139:16b-18 "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him...The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Ps. 34:7-8, 18 | 
